No Obligation
by life.in.disguise
Summary: Set prior to S2's Bring The Pain, a set of circumstances further complicates Derek's present life as he struggles to make the choice between the life he once had and the life he could have.
1. Chapter One: Shock

**Author:** adorkableisme**  
>Rating:<strong> M**  
>Pairings:<strong> Canon couples, with canon breakups.**  
>Summary:<strong> Set prior to S2's Bring The Pain, a set of circumstances further complicates Derek's present life as he struggles to make the choice between the life he once had and the life he could have.  
><strong>Disclaimer:<strong> I do not own Grey's Anatomy, that privilege goes to Shonda Rhimes and ABC, but I do however claim right to this stories plot and any new characters I may introduce.

**_A/N: If some of you are regulars at Surgical Language, you may know of this fic, unfortunately I haven't been able to update due to some events in my life, but I am officially back and I decided to finally post this on here. The first two chapters follow pretty closely to the episodes, but this is only because it sets up the direction I am taking this fic with._**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter One<strong>_  
>Shock<em>

"_Shock. It takes you breath away. It incapacitates you. Hits you like a ton of bricks, because you just can't believe that this could be possibly happening. In medicine we call this emotional shock, it's not fatal, because you're not actually dying. You just kind of freaking wish the ground would swallow you whole!"_

GAGAGAGAGA_  
><em>

Meredith's head snapped upwards at the sharp, loud sounds of banging on her private bathroom door.

"Meredith, it's me, open the damn door!" Cristina shrilled. Meredith unlocked the door and let Cristina in. The sight that beheld Cristina, was that of a mess. Meredith had been crying, she already knew that when Meredith had called her earlier, panicked and sobbing into the phone, but the reality was so much worse. It only took a mere second for Cristina to understand why Meredith was in such a state, as her eyes zeroed into the object lying in front of her.

"No freaking way!" Cristina remarked in clear shock. Meredith didn't respond, Cristina almost would have thought she was catatonic if she weren't still crying. "Well, what are you going to do?" Cristina asked, getting straight to the point. Emotions were never exactly Cristina's forte.

"I." Meredith whispered. She looked scared, no, terrified. "I should tell him right, I mean I have to tell him…right?" Meredith rambled, running her hands through her hair. Cristina scoffed.

"You are not obligated to tell McDreamy about his McSpawn…unless of course you are planning on keeping it…" Cristina broke off for a second not wanting to consider she actually would agree to her version of a death sentence. "You aren't keeping it, right?" Cristina almost begged her, as if to make Meredith see her silent reasoning. Meredith looked up at Cristina and sighed. Cristina knew her person well enough to know that she was saying _yes_.

"I don't think I could go through with it." Meredith said solemnly. Cristina nodded, already resigned, she was anti-baby, but she was also pro-choice, and although a baby is a death sentence to her she respected her person's choice, even if she didn't like it.

"Well, in that case, unless you are planning on running away to Timbuktu, he's going to notice you all fat and blimp-like, so you have to tell him sooner or later." Cristina teased. Meredith wiped the stray tears from her eyes and glared at her.

"Cristina!" She shrilled. Then out of nowhere she groaned.

"What?" Cristina asked, slightly concerned, the rate of miscarriage was pretty high in the first trimester.

"A baby doesn't want me. I had the worst mother, I would be the worst mother!" Meredith started freaking. Cristina sat down next to her, trying her best to be as comforting as possible.

"Wait I thought daughters of famous surgeons had dinner tables and doting parents." Cristina joked, trying to lighten the mood.

"Yeah that and family dinners every Sunday. Apparently I was jibbed, my mother was about as nurturing as a steak knife. Which is exactly why a baby doesn't want me." Meredith said sarcastically.

"Yeah, you might actually have something there." Cristina jibed at her.

"Cristina!" Meredith snapped.

"Ok, go." Cristina said donning her best supportive face.

"What?" Meredith snapped.

"This is me being supportive." Cristina gestured to her 'concerned face.' "Start talking." Cristina prodded.

"Ok, so I'm kind of freaking out here, there's this baby thing, and the I had a crappy childhood thing, and the Derek is married thing. Oh, and not to mention that the She-Shepherd is here in Seattle thing, all leggy and fabulous. I mean crap, I'm not _just_ the dirty mistress, I'm the dirty freaking knocked up mistress!" Meredith ranted in her usual rambling-like style.

"Urghh, sleeping with our attending's was _such _a good idea!" Cristina slumped back against the bath tub.

"You know what, condom's should come with the disclaimer 'thou shalt not work on Derek Shepherd' cause apparently he is an exception to all the conception rules!" Meredith huffed. Cristina snorted at her.

"Ever heard of a split condom, Mer?" Cristina teased. Meredith glared at her, not wanting to be teased right now.

"Shut up!" She snapped. "You know what let's just go to sleep, I feel like crap." Meredith groaned lifting herself off the floor and headed over to the bed. Cristina followed and they both crawled into bed hoping to attain the simple comfort of sleep.

"He didn't sign the papers." Meredith whispered after awhile.

"What?" Cristina moaned, as she had almost fallen asleep. Meredith shifted and turned onto her side to face her.

"The divorce papers, he never signed them. I mean I have to tell him, but I won't be the other woman." Meredith sighed.

"So…?" Cristina prodded, rubbing her eyes.

"When it comes to our relationship, I am out." Meredith said adamantly.

"So, what, that makes McDreamy your McBaby Daddy?" Cristina scoffs.

"Basically." Meredith agrees. Without another word she turns back on her other side and finally falls to sleep.

GAGAGAGAGA

It was raining, an unsurprising fact to both women as they ran across the parking lot. Seattle lives under a near constant banner or billowy clouds. You get used to the rain though, it becomes your friend, apart of who you are.

Cristina and Meredith rush into the intern locker room, dripping wet. Bailey enters soon after, with her usual aura of authority.

"You are both dripping." Bailey eyes both Meredith and Cristina. The she scrutinizes Cristina, ascertaining her opinion of whether or not she is _actually_ ready to be back after her surgery.

"I'm back. I just wanna make that clear. I'm back. I'm ready to work." Cristina automatically says to Bailey, ready to downplay exactly as she is feeling. Cristina is a surgery hungry, not even Bailey will get in the way of her cutting open some mangled flesh. Blood, guts and mangled bodies, these are her happy place.

"Has any one seen Dr. Shepherd, this morning?" Everyone turns to notice Addison walking up to the group.

"His name is on the OR board. He should be here somewhere." Bailey replies absentmindedly. Addison nods and retreats from the group.

"I'm good. I'm ready to scrub in. I'm 100% on top of my game." Cristina says catching Bailey's attention again.

"You just got discharged. Pace your self." Bailey orders her. Cristina rolls her eyes.

"I'm paced. I'm paced." She replies adamantly. Bailey just shakes her head and smirks.

"Mmm hmm. Rounds people." Bailey orders gesturing for her infamous _suck ups_ to hurry up and move.

Bailey and the interns round and enter Mr Henry Lamont's room. His wife sits knitting at his bedside.

"Dr. Bailey. Henry Lamott, age 42, is scheduled with Dr. Shepherd for a spinal implant...**"**

Henry grabs the TV remote and turns the volume up, as if to suggest that Cristina's presentation was too loud. Moans start to fill the room and Meredith, Cristina, Izzie, George and Alex's eyes glue to the TV screen mouths open.

"...to control the pain of his herniated disc. Is allergic to all pain medication ... Is that...?" Cristina continues before noticing the moans also and she turns her head up to the TV.

"Porn." Mrs Lamott finishes for Cristina. She barely glances up as if the porn was an everyday activity.

"Porn?" Bailey asks in disbelief, not quite understanding what everyone was talking about.

"Porn." Mrs Lamott repeats.

"Porn?" Bailey repeats again, still not understanding until she turns her head to the TV. She is completely taken aback. "As in Porn!" She says, raising her voice in shock and disgust.

"All right what are we watching?" Alex chortle's. Bailey gives Alex a dirty look.

"Karev, go stand in the hall!" She barks at him. Alex leaves the room.

"Uh, Mr. & Mrs. Lamott, I'm sure you are really nice people, and what you do in the privacy of your own ... Look, we can't have porn in here. This is a hospital." Bailey says, very distracted by the obscene images and sounds coming from the TV.

"It's for my pain. My doc says it releases endorphins in the brain and helps keep my pain at a manageable level." Henry replies agitatedly.

Amused looks marred Meredith, Cristina, Izzie and 's faces.

"Really?" George replies, almost mesmerized by the imagery from the TV.

"George. Hall!" Bailey barks. George leaves the room in an uncomfortable matter. All three girls smirked knowing he _obviously_ had a little _problem_.

"What is this?" Izzie asks the Lamott's, clearly amused.

"Nasty Naughty Nurses…" Mrs Lamott begins, then breaks off while glancing up at the TV to clearly ascertain the rest of the porn's title. "Four." She finishes.

Meredith, Cristina and Izzie all tilt their heads to the side as the porn shows a very uncomfortable position between one of the nurses and the man.

"That does not look comfortable." Cristina deadpans.

"Trust me, it's not." Meredith replies, knowingly. Cristina and Izzie are taken aback and both turn to stare at Meredith.

"Get in the hall!" Bailey snaps at them. Bailey shakes her had at all her sex crazed interns. "O'Malley, Karev, you're in the pit today. Stevens, there's a cardiac patient waiting up for you on 2. Yang, keep an eye on the Lamott's. I don't want any problems. Go." Bailey orders them. Meredith is left standing in front of Bailey without an assignment. "Grey, your mother's being discharged this evening. You've made arrangements or do you need more time?" Bailey asks softly.

"The nursing home is coming at 8." Meredith replies.

"All right then you're with Shepherd, Derek Shepherd, today." Bailey replies beginning to walk off. Meredith walks after her about to speak in protest. She wasn't quite ready to face Derek right at this moment, she was moving between wanting to kill him if she saw him, and wanting to avoid him because she isn't quite ready to speak to him about the baby. "Hey, life is short. Times are hard. The road is long with many a winding turn." She smiles, almost joking with her. "He asked for you. Take it up with him." She then says back in her serious authoritative tone. Meredith sighs and then moves off to find Derek.

As Meredith turned around a corner of the corridor, she ran straight into Derek himself.

"Meredith." He begins.

"Your wife is looking for you." Meredith snips at him. He signs, almost weary.

"Oh, my god, this is hard for me, Meredith." Derek whispers, begging for her to understand. Meredith just glares back at him.

"Well, let me make it easy then. I'm not gonna be that woman. The one who breaks up a marriage or begs you to want me. You can sign the papers or you cannot. The choice is yours. Either way, when it comes to this relationship, I'm out. Now, where's this patient I'm supposed to be helping you with." Meredith says, ranting and snipping at him the entire time she spoke. Inwardly she was proud of herself for standing her ground and not letting Derek to McDreamy her.

Derek signs and points behind him. "Down here." Meredith walks around him, pointedly and walks ahead.

GAGAGAGAGA

Derek walks angrily up the stairwell with Meredith following. Both had just consulted on a patient with myxopapillary ependymoma a spinal canal tumor. Derek was frustrated because the father would not let them operate due to the fact they were Hmong and had obvious rules and religious faith he didn't understand.

"Hmong? Let's find out what that means. Contact Social Services, see if we can get anyone down here, and talk to them." Derek rants angrily.

"Do I continue to process her discharge." Meredith asks.

"Yeah we have to. It's insane, but we have to. It reminds of this case I had in New York one time and this woman came to the office and..." Derek begins before Meredith cuts him off shortly.

"Look, do you need me for anything else work related?" Meredith snips at him, clearly not wanting to spend anymore time with Derek then she had to. Derek looks around to see if anyone was in the stairwell with them.

"Look. I was married for 11 years. Addison is my family. That is 11 Thanksgivings, 11 birthdays and 11 Christmases. And in one day, I'm supposed to sign a piece of paper and end my family? A person doesn't do that. Not without a little hesitation. I'm entitled to a little uncertainty here! At least a moment to understand the magnitude to what it means to cut somebody out of my life. I'm entitled to a least one moment…" He rants but stops as someone enters the stairwell, he moves closer to Meredith. "of painful doubt. And a little understanding from you would be nice." He whispers harshly before storming off. Instead of being sympathetic, Meredith wears a look of being clearly pissed off.

GAGAGAGAGA

Cristina winced in pain as she stood in the elevator with Meredith.

"You know how long the surgical scar takes to heal. You must be in pain. You should take something." Meredith says softly to Cristina, in clear concern. Cristina just scoffs.

"Drugs are for babies!" Cristina says in bravado. Meredith just rolls her eyes at her friend.

"I just want to kill him. I'm supposed to tell him, but how can I do that when all I have is this urge to kill him and call you to help me drag his corpse across the floor?" Meredith says agitatedly.

"Ha, pregnancy hormones are a bitch aye?" Cristina sniggers at her. Meredith gives Cristina a dirty look.

"Shut up!" Meredith snaps, then she tears up. "Urghhh, I hate these hormones, they are turning me into a mushy girl who is all touchy and feely!" Meredith laces her fingers into her hair in frustration.

"Told you it is the estrogen, not their stupid boy penis'" Cristina shrugs walking out of the elevator and leaving Meredith to her thoughts, then Derek walks in.

"You need to talk to Anna's father, I would but apparently having testicles is a must." Meredith said as evenly and without contempt as possible. Meredith had spoken to Anna earlier and learned why she was listening to her father.

"What happened to Social Services." Derek sighed.

"Apparently, according to Anna, they can't help us. Anna says that her father believes she is missing one of her souls." Meredith explained.

Derek scoffs. "Her souls?" He asks in disbelief.

"We don't need Social Services, we need a Sharman." Meredith replies matter of factly.

"A Sharman." Derek ponders.

GAGAGAGAGA

Watching Anna's soul searching ritual had been an experience, Anna had said she would know when she had found her soul. Meredith could see it herself. She had been fighting all day with herself about Derek, saying she doesn't care, she's not in this anymore. Problem is, as she realized standing in the scrub room as they were both scrubbing out of Anna's surgery, she was so in, it was ridiculous.

"I lied. I'm not out ... of this relationship. I'm in. I'm so in, it's humiliating because here I am begging..." Meredith said, breaking the deafening silence between them both. Derek turned to her, tilting his head slightly.

"Meredith…" He begins, but Meredith cuts him off.

"Shut up. You say Meredith and I yell, remember?" Meredith smiles slightly. Derek smiles back.

"Yeah." He agrees in a whisper. He then leans against the scrub room sink, listening intently.

"Ok, here it is. Your choice. It's simple." Meredith begins, and she starts to get emotional with tears glistening in her eyes, and this time it was not to do with her hormones. "Her or me. And I'm sure she's really great. But, Derek... I love you... in a really, really big ... "pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window"...unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me. Choose me. Love me. And just so you have _all_ the information, I have to tell you something. I…" She tries to begin, terrified of what he might say when she says it out loud to him. "I'm pregnant." She manages to breathe out. Derek stands their shocked. Meredith takes a deep breath. "I want to make this clear, _I_ will be _no_ obligation. So I will be at Joe's, not drinking of course. So if you do decide to sign the papers, meet me there." Meredith manages to finish more bravely at the end. Derek shocked face turns into a loving one, he moves to stroke her face, but she moves away from him before he can and leaves the room leaving Derek to his thoughts.

GAGAGAGAGA

Meredith walks into her mother's room she spots Richard saying goodbye and he walks out. Meredith offers a small smile to her ailing mother.

"I am going to come and see you tomorrow, ok?" She promises her.

"He doesn't love her. He can't. But he'll stay with her anyway. She's his wife." Ellis whispers to Meredith in a sad but serious voice.

"Mom." Meredith asks, noticing how Ellis looks at her as if she recognizes her today. "Mommy?" She asks her, her eyes asking her if she knows who she is.

"Meredith." Ellis breathes out. Meredith kneels down to her mother in the wheelchair and Ellis cups her face. "You grew up." She states in astonishment.

"I did." Meredith says, smiling.

"Hmm. It's a shame. It's awful being a grown-up. But the carousel never stops turning. You can't get off." Ellis remarks sadly.

"Ok." Meredith says, not sure what else to say to her, she places her hand on her and then stands up and watches as someone from the nursing home wheels her away.

GAGAGAGAGA

Meredith sits at Joe's sipping on her club soda, anxiously. "Do you think he'll show?" She asks Joe, anxiously.

"He'll show." Joe says, in sure tone. The door to the bar opens and Meredith's head whips expectantly in its direction, only to be disappointed in it being George.

GAGAGAGAGA

Derek sits in the waiting room chair, lost in his thoughts as Bailey walks by all dressed up.

"How is your patient? The one who got her soul back?" She asks Derek, clearly very happy.

"She's gonna be fine." Derek replies distractedly. They both hear a knock on the glass and look up to see a man outside with a bouquet of flowers.

"Gotta go." Bailey says excitedly. An unusual aura Derek noticed for the normally tough Surgical Resident.

"Look at you. You're like a girl. Is that your date?" Derek asks smiling. Bailey gives him a dirty look.

"That's my husband." She says proudly.

"You're married?" Derek asks in astonishment.

"10 years today." Bailey says smiling broadly.

"How come I didn't know you were married?" Derek replies, still shocked.

"You never asked. You haven't signed those divorce papers yet, have you?" Bailey accuses. Derek shakes his head and looks at her almost begging.

"Tell me what to do?" He says desperately. Bailey chuckles. "God, why does this have to be so hard." Derek says in agitation.

"It's not hard. It's painful but it's not hard. You know what to do already. If you didn't you wouldn't be in this much pain." Bailey says almost teasingly.

"She's pregnant you know." Derek whispers.

"Who, Addison?" Bailey asks, quickly. Derek shakes his head.

"No, Meredith." Derek says raking his hands through his hair. Bailey is taken off guard. She sighs.

"Well I'll give you one piece of advice. You'd be a fool to make this decision based upon obligation." Bailey warns him before walking off to meet her husband, they hug and kiss as Derek watches.

GAGAGAGAGA

Meredith continues to sip her soda with Cristina, Izzie and George beside her. She signs.

"He's not coming. You don't think he's coming." She says sadly.

"He might come." Izze says, offering her a small smile.

"Yeah. You never know." Cristina offered.

"He's definitely coming." Said George, with optimism. Izzie proceeds to kick George "OW!" He shrieks at her. The bell rings to the bar and Meredith whips her head in its direction hopefully, only to be disappointed at it to only be some random couple. Meredith looked dejected.

GAGAGAGAGA

Addison walks up to Derek still sitting in the waiting room chair.

"I have been looking ... everywhere for you." Addison says a little exasperate.

"Well…you found me." Derek offers innocently, as if he honestly hadn't been avoiding her all day. Addison looks at him seriously.

"So? You gonna sign those divorce papers or not?" She deadpans, hands on her hip.

GAGAGAGAGA

"_The problem with emotional shock is this: it holds us prisoners, never lets us move forward. It paralyses us until we lean into the wind and jump off the cliff, facing it head on. We don't fear what we know, we fear the unknown."_

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><p><em><strong>AN: Chapter two will soon follow**.  
><em>


	2. Chapter Two: Anticipation

**Chapter Two**_  
>Anticipation<em>

"_Deepack Chopra once said '__Our thinking and our behaviour are always in anticipation of a response. It is therefore fear-based.' So basically we fear the outcome of anticipation and have tendencies to either become immensely paranoid or we just simply analyse the hell out of everything until we go crazy. Whoever said "what we don't know, won't hurt us," is a complete and utter moron, not knowing is basically the worst feeling in the world."_

"Chaos might actually be the builder of the insane," Meredith thinks as she stands in the middle of the ER watching as everyone is practically everywhere. Patients are being wheeled in all directions. She hears the normal noises of 'code blue' 'page someone, anyone from ortho' 'I need some help over here' 'trauma one,' the kind of noises similar in any day in the ER, but in a crisis situation like tonight, the yelling is tenfold.

Meredith watches open-mouthed as an orderly wheels carefully by her a man and woman impaled together. It was the most unbelievable sight, they almost looked like they were hugging.

"_Ok, maybe it's the second worst." _

Feeling the bile rise up her throat, Meredith rushes to the nearest surgical waste bun and vomits straight into it. Bailey, George, Izzie, Alex and Cristina all whipped their heads around in her direction. Alex starts laughing.

"Weak stomach, Mer." He teases. Mer whips her head up angrily to retort back at him, but instead just vomits more in response.

"Karev, go do sutures in the pit!" Bailey snapped at him. Alex scoffs at Bailey.

"What, I didn't do anything, Grey's the one vomiting." Alex immediately complains. Bailey takes two steps in front of him and stares him down.

"I'm your resident, I make the assignments, and I said, pit, is that a problem?" Bailey sneers in a dangerous tone to Alex. He backs away.

"No, I'm going." He mumbles.

"That's what I thought," Bailey retorts at his retreating form. "Grey, go stand at the wall and try not to vomit on anyone in the process, I'll deal with you later." Bailey orders her. Meredith makes no protest, knowing that arguing with Bailey and trying to convince her she is _fine_, well she just won't win that battle.

"Male John Doe, amputated right foot!" A medic calls. Cristina and Izzie both bound on their feet hands in the air, begging Bailey to choose them.

"Cristina, go!" Bailey orders.

"Miranda, I need an intern." Addison calls.

"Izzie, go with Dr Shepherd, George, go wait with Meredith." Bailey speaks hurriedly hurrying away quickly to trauma room two.

Meredith leans her head back against the wall, willing the nausea away. George looks at her in concern.

"Mer, are you okay." He asks.

"Yeah…I'm fine." She manages.

Derek rushes into Joe's bar. His eyes desperately search out Meredith, only to find the bar pretty empty. Joe spots him from behind the bar.

"Dude, you are late!" He calls to him. Derek was about to ask Joe where she is, but instead his pager goes off.

Meredith and George are stood side by side against the ER wall. George turns to her, still concerned over her vomiting, knowing that a squeamish Meredith was incredibly out of character for her. But he decided not to push it.

"So, have you seen Shepherd yet?" He asks her. Meredith shakes her head. Right at that moment Derek makes his entrance into the ER. George elbows Meredith to make her aware of his presence. Both interns were trying to read his face, trying to figure out what he decided, but his expression was unreadable.

Derek is hit with the onslaught of the busy ER, he takes a moment to take it all in before moving forward. He spots Meredith and slightly nods his head to acknowledge her as he is called away by Callie for a consult.

George and Meredith didn't miss the nod.

"Was that a nod?" George asks Meredith.

"Yes." She answers, unsure what it means.

"Do we know what it means?" George asks, unsure himself.

"No." She answers, wishing she could read Derek.

"Am, I invisible?" George exasperates, slapping his hands on his legs in frustration.

"What?" Meredith asks confused for a moment. "Oh." She sounds, realising he is talking about Bailey practically ignoring him. Meredith sought out Bailey, and saw her with the impaled couple, she says something unintelligible over the noise of the ER and heads towards them both.

"George, go help with the impaled patients." She says orders as she stares directly at Meredith. George scurries off, relieved to finally by in on the _action_.

"Grey, are you ok?" Bailey asks, one would almost think she sounded like she really cared.

"I'm…I'm fine." Meredith says, not too convincingly. "Ready, to work." She says more adamantly this time. Bailey just shakes her head.

"You are not fine, you can say it until you are blue in the face, but I won't believe you." She says, dismissively. "Go get a drink of water, and some saltines, they'll help with the nausea, once it settles, come and find me." She orders, still scrutinizing her. There was something in Bailey's face that Meredith just knew that _Bailey knows_. Bailey didn't confirm her suspicions, as she didn't push it further before she went back to the impaled couple and Meredith left for the cafeteria.

GAGAGAGAGA

Meredith hoisted herself up onto the gurney in the tunnels, chewing on her saltines, willing the nausea to subside.

"Urghhh, stupid boys and their stupid boy penis'!" Meredith ranted angrily to herself.

"And why are we ranting about penis'" Izzie remarked, slightly amused at her outburst.

"Nothing." Meredith said quickly. "What are you doing down here?" Meredith asks Izzie, quickly diverting her questions.

"She-Shepherd sent me for labs on her patient, I'm waiting for them to page me." She replies, plopping herself down beside Meredith on the gurney.

"So, how's it going with Addison? Bad mood? Good mood? Yay my husband picked me mood?" Meredith asks Izzie.

"Ah I think it's the more of the 'I hate the smell of charred flesh mood'." Izzie replies, offering her a small smile as if to say, 'sorry I don't have any better news.'

"Before you judge me. I know there was a train accident. People are very badly hurt. And that I'm a vapid narcissist right now for thinking about my own problems. In case you were wondering. I know that." Meredith rambles to her, Izzie can't help but smile at her friend.

"Well, for what it's worth, I take issue with her salmon colored scrubs. I mean what self respecting surgeon wears salmon colored scrubs?." Izzie scoffs at her in disgust. Meredith sniggers.

"This is what I'm saying." She deadpans to Izzie. Izzie laughs as her pager goes off and she leaves to get her lab results. Feeling the nausea subside Meredith gets up and heads to the ER in search of Bailey, she promptly finds her heading towards an X-RAY room.

"I'm fine now, what do you need me to do?" She asks Bailey, who has her back to her. Bailey turns around and gives her a once over before responding.

"Follow me, we have films for the impaled couple, waiting on a consult from Burke, Shepherd's waiting inside the room." Bailey says as they head inside. Meredith's insides clench as she sees Derek, his face again unreadable. He sees Meredith and notices the slight pallor of her face and is immediately concerned.

"You, ok?" He asks Meredith.

"I'm keeping an eye on her." Bailey responds for Derek, he nods and turns back to the X-RAY's right has Burke enters the room with George.

"Is, is it going straight through her spine?" George asks as he looks over the scan. Bailey nods.

"It is. T8's completely crushed." Bailey responds as she focuses in on the X-RAY's.

"Look at this. These people are still alive?" Derek says, admonished, shaking his head.

"They're still making small talk." George says sadly, glancing at Derek.

"Pole's tamponading the wound as far as we can see." Bailey says as she study's the X-RAY's.

"It's hitting the aorta." Derek points out on Bonnie's scan.

"And look at him. It's right in line with his inferior vena cava." Burke says, moving closer to the X-RAY's.

"Is there anyway to operate without separating them?" George asks hopefully. Burke shakes his head at him.

"No." Derek says dejectedly, the loss of life isn't his favourite part of his job.

"But if we move the poll ..." George starts summarizing.

"They'll both bleed out." Bailey finishes. Everyone stands in silence, thinking.

"What if we don't move the poll? What if we move one of the patients off the poll to get the saw in there? Then we can hold the pole steady in the other one. Move it very slowly and repair the damage as we go." Burke says, put his idea on the table for consideration.

"Who? Which would you move?" George asks. Derek glances at Meredith, still concerned about her.

"With her aortic injuries, her chances of survival are extremely slim no matter what we do. But if we move her, we have a real shot of saving him." Burke rationalizes. Derek turns to Burke, clearly about to argue a different stand point.

"Well I could argue since her injuries are so extensive we should move him. Give her the best shot we can." He argues lightly.

"So basically whoever you move doesn't stand a chance? So how do you choose? How do you decide who gets to live?." Meredith asks, with an edge of silent desperation in her voice. The situation felt a little like hers, whoever Derek chose was the person who got to live, while the person not chosen gets to die.

"We have to make this call soon if we want our shot of saving either one of them." Burke says after a moment's silence.

"I'd like to examine them before I weigh in." Derek says, still believing his stand point could be valid. Burke nods at him approvingly.

"I'll wait for your page." Burke says, walking out of the room.

"Thank you." Derek replies, also leaving the room. George follows closely by leaving Bailey and Meredith alone.

"Look, I'm sorry for the vomiting thing, I don't normally get squeamish." Meredith said suddenly. Bailey smirked.

"Grey, morning sickness doesn't make you any less of a doctor, it comes when it comes, you have no control over it, just try and make it to the bathroom next time." She reassures her.

"How did you know?" Meredith asks her seriously. Bailey scoffs at her.

"You've been my intern long enough, so you should know by now that _I'm Doctor Bailey_ I _see_ and _know_ all." Bailey deadpans seriously at her. Meredith smirked a little. Bailey then walks out of the room as George enters.

"So, any news?" George asks. Meredith shakes her head in frustration.

"No, I can't read him." She responds sadly, feeling very worried he had indeed chosen his wife, and that scared her because although she did not want Derek to choose her because of the baby…well she's just plain terrified of the possibility of being a single mother.

"You know, I think, I think it's pretty amazing you even gave him the choice. And I think for what it's worth I think he's crazy if he doesn't pick you." George says seriously, giving her an encouraging smile.

"Thank you." Meredith responds, smiling back. Derek re-enters fifteen minutes later, frustrated, followed by Burke and Bailey.

"You were right. Her vitals are erratic. Pulse is weak. Spine severed. I was hoping it didn't hit from that angle. It just can't miss the aorta." He says, turning to Burke.

"What about him? Think he can live?" Bailey says, pointing to Tom's X-RAY.

"He's got better odds." Derek says quietly. Bailey turns to George.

"Alright. Let OR 1 know we're coming." Bailey orders him and he starts to walk out.

"Oh and O'Malley." Burke says, George turns around and faces him. "Close off the gallery. We don't need an audience for this." Burke says solemnly. George nods, then shakes his head in frustration.

"She's cracking jokes. How do you tell somebody that she's gonna be dead in a few minutes when she's sitting up cracking jokes?" George says, in sad frustration. Everyone in the room glances at George sadly. The silent words of '_I don't know_,' were clearly thick in the air.

GAGAGAGAGA

Derek, Bailey, George and Meredith stood apprehensively in the room with Bonnie and Tom.

"This is hard, because your body is in a certain amount of shock. It's preventing you from feeling pain." Derek says softly as Burke walks into the room. "Feeling the extent of your injuries." He says. Bonnie gulps.

"Dr. Shepherd. We have a metal pole cutting a path through our insides. I don't know about Tom here, but I didn't expect to walk out of here anytime soon. So ... whatever it is you have to say just please ... say it." Bonnie says kindly, but her voice is thick with emotion of the internal struggle of fear going on inside. George is very clearly upset with the turn of events, uncomfortable with the inevitability of the situation.

Derek nods at her. "Okay Bonnie. In order to operate on Mr. Maynard, we have to separate you two. In order to do that, we have to move you backwards off the pole." Derek softly tells her, trying to be as calming as possible.

"Can't you just pull the pole out of both of us?" Tom says, with a sense of desperation as he was having a bad feeling that something horrible is about to happen.

"Well if we did that, you would both start bleeding very quickly. Too quickly. Right now the pole is plugging the wounds. Once removed, the organs will shift and there's a great deal of damage." Burke responds to Tom, trying get them both to understand the great magnitude of their situation.

"So if you move me, I'll die?" Bonnie says thickly, trying not to cry. There was an uncomfortable silence in the room.

"We're gonna do everything we can to ..." Derek promises, breaking the silence.

"No. No. If anyone body has to go it should be me. You just move ..." Tom says desperately. Derek takes Bonnie's hand and rubs it soothingly.

"No. Mr. Maynard ... Mr. Maynard your injuries are less extensive. If we pull the pole from you as we operate around it, we have a better chance at repairing the damage." Burke says, interrupting Tom.

"It's not right. It's not fair." Tom says adamantly. Bonnie smiles at him sadly, trying to sooth him with her expression.

"Shh Tom. It's not fair either way. ... Is ah, is my Danny ... is he here yet?" Bonnie asks.

"There are delays at the airport, ah the storm." George says, his first words since entering the intense atmospheric room.

"Uh we could wait but ah the longer we do the higher the risk of infection for the ..." Bailey begins to explain to her.

"No, no. This is better. Huh. Danny, he wouldn't understand. I've had a couple of hours to, you know," She interrupts Bailey, taking a deep breath. "Process all of this. But if, if he had to see me ... talk to me like this ... well, I just think it would be too hard." She says, fighting her tears, but losing the battle as they stream down her face.

GAGAGAGAGA

The OR was tense as Bonnie and Tom were wheeled into it. Bonnie looks Tom sadly into his eyes.

"Can I ask you a question?" She ask softly.

"Mmm hmm." Tom softly sounds.

"Do you believe in heaven?" She asks, hopefully.

"I do." He says adamantly. "Don't you?" He asks her.

"I want to." She says, teary eyed.

"Bonnie...I just wanna say ..." Tom tries to begin, wanting to apologies, wanting to say anything to comfort her, to say how wrong this is.

"Shh. I know. I know." Bonnie interrupts him, trying to soothe him. Dr Adam's and Dr Shepherd enter the OR.

"This is Dr. Adams, our anesthesiologist. When you're ready, he's gonna put you to sleep." Derek says to Tom and Bonnie.

"So it's not gonna hurt?" Bonnie asks hopefully and fearfully.

"It won't hurt a bit." Dr Adams promised.

"Good. That's good. ... Dr. Shepherd?" Bonnie calls for him, as she is unable to turn around.

"Yes?" He says as he walks into her view again.

"You're gonna be the one to talk to my Danny, right?" Bonnie asks hopefully, with a tinge of sadness in her voice, knowing she would never see her fiancé again.

"Yes." Derek promised.

"Ok." Bonnie says simply, mentally preparing herself for her death.

"Ok. ... What would you like me to tell him?" Derek asks her, leaning in so she can whisper her final words to her fiancé to him.

George, Burke, Bailey and Meredith watched the scene unfold in front of them in the scrub room. Bailey shakes her head in frustration.

"Why do I feel we're about to kill this girl?" She says in agitated sadness. Burke and Bailey enter the OR as Derek enters the scrub room. Meredith stares at Derek and then at George begging George with her eyes to leave the room.

"George." She whispers desperately. George, gets the message and enters the OR.

"Hey." Meredith whispers. Derek turns to her, his face still expressionless.

"Hi." He says back. Then there's silence, each not knowing what to say.

"You know, uh, I went to the bar." Derek says, breaking the silence. Meredith perks up a little in hope.

"I heard." She breathes, waiting for him to put her out of her misery. Derek looks down at his hands, concentrating for a moment on scrubbing in before he turns back to her.

"How are you feeling? I could tell you weren't well before, morning sickness?" He asks her, his voice laced with concern.

"Yeah." Meredith says softly. "Whoever invented the term, morning sickness, is a moron." Meredith says wryly. Derek sniggers a little.

"So true. Have you got yourself checked out by an OB?" He asks softly, turning back to scrubbing in.

"Ah, no…not yet." Meredith says, quietly, still unable to ascertain his decision. Derek, continues to scrub in.

"Well, after this, why don't we get the day off, get some sleep at the trailer and when we wake set an appointment up?" Derek asks her, turning to her, gauging her. Meredith let out a breath she didn't realize she was holding.

"You signed the papers?" She breathed out. Derek smiled at her.

"I'm in love with you." Derek admitted to her, grinning, as he started putting on his surgical mask and she did the same.

"Dr. Shepherd, she's crashing." Bailey called from the OR, ripping Meredith and Derek from them moment. Derek rushed into the OR with Meredith close behind.

"What happened?" Derek asked Dr Adams.

"I just put them under." Adams admonished.

"Pole must've shifted." Derek surmised.

"I barely touched her. This isn't my fault." Adams said, defensively.

"It's nobody's fault. We'll need to remove her now if we're going to have a chance." Burke says to Adams, reassuring him.

"How are we going to do this?" Adams asks.

"Team 1 continues, stabilize his body. Team 2 move her back and let's get the saw in there. This has to be fast and smooth, people. O'Malley you hold the pole in place. Whatever you do, don't pull on it, don't let it move. On the count of 3. 1, 2 ..." Burke explains quickly and seriously, making sure everyone was on the same page.

GAGAGAGAGA

Bailey and Derek sought out Danny, Bonnie's fiancé in the waiting room and sat down next to him. George and Meredith watched the scene unfold from the nurses station.

"Did she ah ... did she suffer?" Danny asked, feeling completely numb.

"No. Her injuries prevented her from ... no, she wasn't in any pain." Derek softly said, assuring him.

"Good. That's ..." Danny chocked out.

"She asked me ah to... tell you that ... she wanted you to know, that if love were enough ... that if love were enough that she'd still be here with you." Derek said, with difficulty. Bailey and Derek left Danny to his grief and headed towards the elevator, silence befell them both as they both processed the magnitude of tonight's events. Bailey all of a sudden stopped the elevator. She turned to Derek.

"Did you sign the papers?" Bailey asked him straight out. Derek nodded.

"Yes, and uh, can you give her the day off, we have a lot to talk about?" He asked, smiling.

"Ok and yes." Bailey said and she started the elevator again. As the door opened she paused before walking out. "You made the right decision." She said, without looking back, she walked out. The doors closed again and Derek was left to his thoughts.

FLASHBACK

"_So? You gonna sign those divorce papers or not?" She deadpans, hands on her hip. Derek hands her the divorce papers and she takes them. She sighs as she glances them over._

"_I, already have." Derek says, he looks at her apologetically. "I'm sorry Addie, I know you are hurting, but I just can't." He says, trying to explain how he feels to her._

"_Eleven years, Derek, I know I screwed up, I know that, but are you really willing to throw eleven years away, and for what, a twelve year old, mid-life crisis." Addison asks, her eyes sad and begging._

"_She isn't a mid-life crisis, she's not an affair, she's not even revenge, I fell in love with her, I'm in love with her, and I don't know when it happened, hell I didn't plan for it to happen, it just did." Derek says softly to her, trying not to hurt her even more than she is. "Look, I'm not trying to say this to hurt you, but our eleven years of marriage doesn't even hold a candle to how I feel about her, and that doesn't change just because you showed up here." Derek says, truthfully. He gauges her sad expression and stands up. "Our marriage is over Addie, it's been over for a long time now, you just sped up the process." Derek surmised. Addison nodded dejectedly._

"_When did you stop loving me?" Addison whispered, sadly._

"_I never stopped, I love you, a part of me always will, you were my best friend before everything, I just don't think we're the love of each other's lives." Derek said, gathering his satchel and slinging it over his shoulder. _

"_And Meredith's the love of your life?" Addison surmised, sadly._

"_Yes, she is." Derek whispered, placing a hand on Addison's shoulder. Before walking away from her forever._

END OF FLASHBACK

Derek walked into his office and was met with the image of a very tired Meredith, smiling he walks up behind her and wraps his arms around her middle, placing his hand on her stomach. He kisses her cheek.

"Ready to go?" He whispers into her ear. Meredith relaxes into his body and smiles.

"Yeah." She breathes out, tiredly.

GAGAGAGAGA

"_In life the things we anticipate usually end in one of two ways: a) you being on the winning team or b) you being on the losing team, losing everything, and you kind of wish you were back in the dark, back in the realm of anticipation where everything is edgy and unknown, because in the darkness, there was still hope." _

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><p><em><strong>AN: I will be catching you all up to SL very quickly, I am currently writing chapter four so you guys are only a couple of chapters behind.**  
><em>


	3. Chapter Three: Childhood of Darkness

**Chapter Three**_  
>Childhood of Darkness<em>

"_When I was a little girl, I once believed in Santa Clause, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy, I believed in magic, fairytales and that the Boogie Man lived under my bed. Once upon a time I was an innocent; but only for a moment, because my mother soon quashed my 'childish tirades' because according to her they are what make people weak, unfocussed and ordinary. She pushed me, even when she believed I would never amount to anything. I never had the love of a mother or father; just bitterness and resentment, because I was a permanent reminder of the life she didn't have, I was a mistake, she told me so and I believed her."_

GAGAGAGAGA_  
><em>

It was never just about the sex, it was about that moment afterward, where she felt safe, loved and protected, and she had never had that before. Meredith's eyes fluttered open and she basked in the site before, her legs entangled with Derek's, her head lying on his chest, his arm around her, with only a gathered sheet covering them both. She snuggled closer into Derek, afraid that this was a dream that it would go away just like everything else.

Realizing she was awake, Derek slid his hand up her arm to her head, tangling his fingers in her hair and then kissing her forehead.

"Mm, good morning." Derek muttered his lips still attached to her fore head. Meredith tipped her head upwards to meet his eyes, smiling.

"Hi." Meredith whispered. Derek leant down and kissed her softly. He stroked her cheek with his thumb before kissing her again.

"So, we have a lot to talk about?" Derek says, unable to hide his grin, he always wanted to be a father, and even though it was too early in their relationship, he couldn't imagine having a baby with anyone else.

"Yeah." Meredith agrees, tearing her gaze from him. Derek tips her chin back up, meeting her averted gaze; concern marred his features, his face asking her silently to tell her what's wrong. Meredith gulped down a shaky breath she was clearly upset. "I-I don't know how to be a mother, I'm scared as hell, and its not like I've had the perfect role model, my mother," Meredith vented sadly, breaking off. "She was, she was never my mother, Derek, she was never there, and when she was all she ever did was remind me how I would never become anything and that having me was biggest mistake of my life," Fear marred her tone as she broke off again. "I'm the _last_ person a baby wants for a mother." She chokes out; talking about this reminded her of her childhood and the memories she would happily rather forget. Derek tangled his fingers into her hair, holding her tight for a moment as Meredith's breathing slowly normalized, Derek knew a hint that her childhood was troubled, but this was a window into a very scary world much worse than he realized the panic attack she just had, was proof of that.

Kissing her head, he tipped her chin up so he could look at her in the eyes; he stroked her cheek with his thumb again.

"Have you ever thought, that all those things, all that you _didn't_ have, might just make you an amazing mother." Derek spoke, seriously, he never thought for a moment she would be a horrible mother, but he understood why she felt that way. Meredith shook her head at him, as her face cringed as she thought the tears threatening to fall and she rolls away and sits up on the side of the bed, her feet on the ground. Derek moves behind her, placing his arms around her middle, one hand on the spot their baby was held. "Listen to me, _you _will be an _amazing_ mother, our baby will love you, just like I do." Derek whispers adamantly into her ear all the while she shakes head as her breathing escalates again, another panic attack imminent, the tears finally fall down her face, and she drinks in shaky gasping breaths. Derek kisses her forehead, holding onto her tightly. "Shhh, deep breaths in, you're ok." He soothes her. Kissing her cheek again, rocking her a little. "Shhh, we are both going to be ok, and _you_ will _never_ become your mother, because I know you, you will never do to our baby, what she did to you, I know you are scared, so am I, but we're going to be ok." Derek says, continuing to soothe her.

"You're scared, haven't you got like a gazillion nieces and nephews?" Meredith scoffs a little.

"Yeah, I do, but it doesn't make me anymore qualified than you, it's different when it's your own child." He explains. "My sister, Nancy, she's the Pediatrician, said to my sister Jenna who was freaking out when she was first pregnant, that the beauty of being a parent is this; it doesn't matter if you come from a good family or a bad one, or if you had no parents or family at all, everyone starts off from scratch, _nobody_ knows how to _be_ a parent, it's a learning process, it's on-the-job training." Derek mused, reminiscing. It was obvious to Meredith that family was important to Derek.

"She sounds, pretty…wise." Meredith spoke tentatively, the aftermath of the panic attack still upon her.

"Yeah," He chuckles. "When she's not busy being her usual self." He says sarcastically. He leans in place quick kisses into her neck before whispering in her ear. "She used to torture me as a child." He whispers playfully. Meredith giggled, turning her body around to face him, her expression was playful, as if nothing of the past ten minutes had even occurred.

"Naww, you poor baby!" Meredith teased, playfully swatting him on the chest. Derek playfully scowled, and Meredith leaned in and captured his lips with her own in a searing kiss, silently thanking him for being here for her, even when she's a little crazy. Derek held her closer to his body, and there was a moment of comfortable silence.

"So, we should get you an appointment with an OB/GYN, there's a few good ones in private practice in the city, I'll make some calls, see if can get you in today." Derek says, kissing her cheek one last time before getting up putting his boxers on and moving to the kitchenette to make some coffee.

"So what are we going to do?" Meredith asks him as she puts one of Derek's button down shirts on which wears as dress on her, and she sits down at the table. Derek turns, a little confused.

"What do you mean?" Derek says, leaning against the kitchen bench, still confused.

"You know, about where we are going to live, plans for the future or whatever, I mean obviously we are going to move in together, wait we are right?" Meredith begins to ramble.

"No, we're gonna live on two separate sides of the country." Derek grinned, teasing her.

"Shut up," Meredith laughs. "I've never done this before." She chastises him playfully. Derek grins at her, amused by her lack of experience. "We can't raise a baby in a trailer Derek, as much as I love this place and my place is noisy." She reasoned seriously. Derek, cocked his head to the side a little and placing his hands on her hips, drawing her closer.

"I've been thinking about all of this, and I have all this land, so we could build a house, it won't be ready in time, so I was thinking for the time being, we could rent a place in the city, so when the baby is born we have a place to ourselves, and we won't bother anyone else, you are right your house isn't baby friendly. So what do you think?" Derek explains to her, clearly having thought this all through last night.

"Sounds good, I don't want to kick George and Iz out, nor do I want to be raising our baby in that house." Meredith whispers with venom in her voice as she places both her hands on her tummy protectively.

"Because of you mom?" Derek prods gently, being careful to avoid another panic attack.

"Yeah." She whispers. "It's not a happy house, and I was able to ignore that before, but having a baby there, it makes all too…I don't know." She says, a little agitated, unable to express what she was feeling inside. This was all new to her, expressing her feelings to someone else, avoiders don't tell people their dark and twisty secrets, they just avoid, but this was different, she _wanted_ to be better for this baby, the inevitability of the situation backs her into a corner, where the only way out is to face what she has spent most of her life avoiding or running from.

"I'm going to make some calls, ok?" Derek says gently, knowing not to push the matter any further.

"Ok." She smiles, getting up and buttering some toast. Derek went outside and she sat down at the table again, grabbing the paper beside her. News never really interested Meredith much, she was not a gossiper, and celebrities didn't faze her, not even famous Doctors. She put that down to being Ellis Grey's daughter, famous Doctors were nothing new to her, they were just people to her.

A wave of nausea suddenly hit Meredith and she scrambled for the toilet, emptying the contents of her stomach with the little breakfast she had eaten so far. After a few rounds of gut wrenching heaving she laid her head on the side of the small toilet's wall, willing the world to stop spinning. Just when she thought it was over, she was bending over the toilet again. She felt her hair being pulled back as Derek place his arms around her middle. Meredith leant back in his embrace, before she got up and brushed her teeth, Derek went to the kitchen and dug up same plain dry crackers. As she walked out of the toilet, Derek handed them to her, looking sympathetic, wishing he could make her feel better.

"I got an appointment with Doctor Greta Riesling, she's really good, it's at eleven, so we need to go now." Derek says, moving to get changed as Meredith followed, doing the same.

GAGAGAGAGA

Meredith was lying back in the stirrups with Derek sitting beside her, both waiting for Doctor Riesling. Derek couldn't help but smiling broadly, excited about seeing their baby for the first time.

"You're very happy." Meredith noted to him. Derek turned to her, pecking her on the lips.

"I'm going to be a dad." Derek says, basking in the thought. "I know it's a little early for a baby, but I _honestly_ wouldn't have it any other way." He admits to her. Meredith smiles.

"Me too, I never thought I'd want this, but I do." She admits honestly to Derek. He smiles broadly back at her taking her hand as Doctor Riesling enters the room. She was a tall statuesque, African American woman, beautiful olive skin and chocolate eyes, she was very warm and friendly looking.

"Alright, sorry for the delay, my last appointment had me running behind." She apologized profusely to them both as she moved the cupboard to retrieve the sonogram jelly.

"That's ok." Meredith reassured her. Greta turned pulled the gown up and shook the Jelly bottle.

"This will be a little cold." She says as she squeezes out the jelly onto her stomach and reaches for the sonogram wand. "Now let's look at your baby." She grins at them both. Derek and Meredith both turn their heads as the image of their baby filled the screen.

"Wow." Meredith breathed out. As a Doctor she had taken ultrasounds before but knowing it was her baby was a whole different experience altogether. Derek squeezed her hand as he smiled at the screen in awe.

"You are about six weeks along which places your date of birth around April 11. I'll print you guys out sonogram picture." Greta says, tapping a few buttons on the keyboard and rips off the sonogram image and hands it to Meredith. "The baby is very healthy, heart rate is good, so everything is progressing well, so between now and your 28th week I'll be seeing you once every four weeks, I'll write you a prescription for prenatal vitamins. How is your morning sickness?" Greta says kindly, not missing a single detail.

"Not too bad." Meredith says.

"Good, well do either of you have any questions for me?" Greta asks. Meredith and Derek shake their heads. "Ok, super, well if you do think of anything, do not hesitate to call me anytime. Derek I'll get you to come with me and we'll get you to finish some paper work, Meredith you can go ahead and change." Greta says, leading Derek out of the room.

"I have one question, I just didn't want to mention it in from of Mer." Derek says quietly to Greta, Greta nods understandingly. "She's been having panic attacks, she had two this morning, I maybe just a neurosurgeon but I know that can be quite harmful." Derek says, clearly concerned.

"Are they triggered by anything in particular, and have you seen this before?" Greta asks, falling straight into full Doctor mode.

"She didn't have an easy childhood, she's worried she'll be an awful mother, she's never talked about it before so I think that's the trigger." Derek says to her. Greta nods understandingly.

"Well if it's isolated to that, pregnancy hormones will cause her to be irrational on top of it, the best you can do is reassure her, keep as calm as possible, but if they get worse, bring her straight back in and we'll see what we can do for her, that kind of stress can increase the chances of a miscarriage and miscarriage as it is, is high in the first trimester." She explains to Derek, who nods in understanding.

Just as she finishes talking Meredith appears beside Derek. Smiling, Derek signs the form in front of him with a flourish and wraps his arm around Meredith's waist, kissing the side of her head.

"Thank you Doctor Riesling." He says gratefully, silently thanking her for their conversation.

"No problem," She responds to Derek and turns to Meredith. "I take it the nurse scheduled you an appointment?" She asks. Meredith simply nods. "Great, well I'll see you in four weeks." She says enthusiastically.

GAGAGAGAGA

The light of the sunset marred the features of the trailer from the skylight, casting beautiful shadows on the two people lying peacefully side-by-side on the bed below. They weren't touching, but there was an intimacy in the air, an intimacy that was very Meredith and Derek. Neither talked, there was just a comfortable silence, each in their individual thoughts, but still uniquely aware of one another at the same time, so that when Meredith all of a sudden smiled, Derek noticed.

"What are you thinking?" Derek asks, turning onto his side leaning on his elbow. Meredith giggled cheerfully.

"I am thinking of Spain." Meredith says vaguely. Derek caresses her abdomen, and grins at her, unable to ascertain what exactly she was talking about.

"Spain?" He deadpans. Meredith closes the gap between them and kisses him, before rolling back onto her back.

"Yes, Spain." She says, teasingly, still being entirely vague. Derek shakes his head at her, wondering what exactly was going through that complex mind of her that involved Spain.

"What about Spain?" He prodded her, whatever it was had made her cheerful.

"Before I went to Med School, I travelled to Europe for three months, this was shortly before Mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's." She finally explained, grinning. "I went with a college friend, Sadie Harris." She said before chuckling. "We called the trip 'The Adventures of Death and Die." Derek raised an eyebrow at the name. "Shut up!" She jibed playfully swatting his chest. "We went all over Europe and we went to San Sebastian in Spain. It was beautiful, the beaches were gorgeous, and while we were there we met this beautiful dark haired, olive skinned girl, she was really nice and gave us directions, in fact she ended up being our tour guide." She reminisced, a peaceful expression on her face, obviously marking that this was a rare happy moment of her life. "We became fast friends, in fact we still keep in contact every once in awhile, one day I would love to go back." Meredith mused, still smiling.

"You were smiling about Spain." Derek concluded. Meredith shook her head.

"I was smiling about the name Amaya." She said matter-of-factly.

"I'm not following?" He said, confused.

"Her name is Amaya, she said it's the Spanish variation of Amy. I've always loved her name, if we have a girl, I'd like to consider it as a name." She said as her hands glided to her stomach, resting on top of Derek's.

"My youngest sister is named Amelia, I call her Amy, it's a perfect fit, it means something to you and to me, if we have a girl, that will be her name." He says, leaning down and kissing her.

The comfortable silence again fell upon them; Meredith knew there was plenty to talk about it, plenty to forgive and to understand. He _chose_ her, there was no denying that fact, he _loved_ her, there was no denying that either, but still he had lied to her, she _knew_ why his marriage fell apart, she _knew_ it was why he had fled to Seattle, but neither of these explained why he had lied about it. She knew it was time to know; there was no chance of moving forward otherwise.

"Why didn't you tell me?" She asked him seriously, with a little trace of accusation in her voice. Derek sighed, knowing this conversation had been coming.

GAGAGAGAGA

"_Maybe the pain is what makes us stronger, makes us more determined to be something other than the disappointment. We spend our lives trying to live up to our parents expectations, wanting to be good enough, even when we know we never will be; we still try anyway, because that's all any of us want, is for our parents to be proud."_

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><p><em><strong>AN: Chapter four to follow soon.**  
><em>


End file.
